"No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow."

This week seems to be creeping by. Today we had a really interesting guest speaker, Rene Jensen, who just happens to me Mark's cousin. He lives in Bombay and works for Maersk and spoke with us about cross-cultural management and shared some of his extensive experiences living in what he called "exotic" countries (aka developing nations and emerging markets). He had some great insights and was really refreshing to listen to because he was funny and energetic. A huge change of pace from the presenters/professors that usually stand before us in Room 504.

We had all been a big fan on the bathroom on the 5th Floor of Welingkar. We used to speak of its magical qualities (many its flower that literally sparkled) and how it was our favorite bathroom in Bombay. But as our time here has lengthened, it has lost its sparkle, as has much of Bombay. I think it's because with the new batch of students we are no longer the sole occupants of the 5th Floor, we have lots of company. And they seem to have, what I can only imagine based on the state of the bathroom, is Toilet Paper parties on the weekend. So then Monday/Tuesday are recovery days in which we often have to spend a good portion of our class breaks demanding toilet paper be put back into the bathroom. I can't complain too much, however, because we are invited to use the Executive Bathroom if the regular "Madams" or "Adams" bathroom isn't up to snuff.

These days though, I seem to walk around with a perennial lump in my throat, with any single event threatening to collapse me into a puddle of tears. I never used to cry (just ask my Mom) over much of anything, except perhaps the occasional broken heart, but here I feel as if anything will put me over the edge. I think this goes back to how overwhelming everything is here, from the smells to the sights. And walking down the street surrounded by a language that despite my studying, I still can't decipher, and having a sneaking suspicion they are talking about you but having no idea what they are saying. That is extremely unsettling. There is one particular corner I must pass everyday on my way to school and back, and on my way to the gym and back that. This seems to be the popular "hangout" spot and reminds me of the smoking corner that used to exist outside of AIS when I was living in Vienna. This is where all the "cool, rebellious" kids just loiter and think that they are all that and a bag of potato chips, which they are not, I assure you. But every time I walk past this corner, I get the heebie jeebies because they all stare and say stuff... which I'm sure is aimed at me. I'm just waiting for my Hindi to be polished enough to give back some smart retort like "I know what you're saying," even if I don't, it'll give them a good scare.

But today as I was walking back for our talk with Mark's cousin, I had that perennial lump, a new fixture in my life as I was trying to cheer myself up and convince myself that it's not too much longer, and I can do it, piece of cake. But it almost broke my heart because I saw this little puppy whining. And it was so innocent, and helpless and I just wanted to pick it up and take it home. But I'm sure it was disease-ridden, and I know there is no SPCA-equivalent here to care for it, so it just about broke my heart. And then of course I started thinking about my babies at home, Kenny and Sophie, and how I miss their cuddles and sheer excitement of seeing you when you walk through the door. And it's funny, because I am so numb to almost anything here. I can walk by a homeless family and not feel a thing, because you have to, it's a coping/defense mechanism. As my Mom says, I am in a shell, but I have to be, or else no one could survive here. But for some reason, this little furball of a puppy broke through my shell today, and I do hope it's okay.

Does that make me heartless? Allowing a puppy to solicit my sympathy, when I can turn the other cheek walking by a small child. I like to think that I am still the compassionate, caring person I always was. But Mom may not be so far-fetched when she talks about me having to be "re-programmed" upon my return home. I can be taught how to smile, hug, and laugh again. This is painting a rather dire picture of my outlook right now, but I hope that my spirits lift once I escape Bombay for a few days. Because I don't want to feel like this. And I am actively trying not to, making sure to get fresh air, eat as well as I can, and work out every day. But I can't help it. I have to walk with my head down on the streets so I don't become unhinged by everyone's piercing stares and cry for help. The sad thing is, you can't help everyone, so we've been told repeatedly not to help anyone or it will only make you a target in the neighborhood. Plus I've also been assured, that money or food won't help because often the beggar children are working for someone else that will take anything they get, so you are only feeding the vicious cycle. But it's still hard and makes me feel like a bad person.

Have I mentioned lately how excited I am to go home in 50 days? The thought of walking through customs in the Philly airport and seeing my Dad (since Mom will probably be at work) brings tears to my eye... and like I said, I'm no crier. But little things like seeing my puppies, seeing my room, laying on a comfortable bed, taking a nice shower where I actually feel clean afterwards, having clean clothes with a fresh warm smell straight from the dryer, being able to smile at people on the street, walking with my head up tall, and getting rid of this stinking rash... these are just a few of the things I'm looking forward to. Not to mention the hundreds and hundreds of hugs I'll demand :-)

I wanted to be scared again... I wanted to feel unsure again. That's the only way I learn, the only way I feel challenged. -- Connie Chung

You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind.
-- Darwin P. Kingsley

"They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved."